testing post length... feel free to read if you want XDD

[kriskenshin]

Note:
-R- Roy’s point of view
-E- Ed’s point of view
Italics are Roy or Ed’s Thoughts depending on point of view

-E-
He walked into the Colonel’s office five hours later feeling much better, not entirely back to normal but undeniably cleaner. He slammed the door closed with a harsh kick from his boot.
Man, that shower felt great! My scalp was so itchy! Damn! Is that a bruise on his chin!?!
He walked up to the Colonel’s desk, shoved his TYPED report at him, flopped down on the couch he had vacated only a few hours ago and waited for the Bastard to begin talking so he could block him out.
It’s not like he needs me to pay attention to what he’s saying, he already knows exactly what I did down to the last detail, and I already know he knows every detail, and he knows I already know he knows, and I know he knows I already know he knows…
…maybe I should have slept a little longer.
Oh, here he goes.
-R-
Let the games begin.
Pretending to read through the report that Fullmetal had practically thrown at him and taking his time about it because it would piss the blond off more, he finally began to speak.
“This is quite a report Fullmetal,” He said, pausing to pretend that he needed another look at the pages in front of him, watching over the top of the report as Fullmetal began fidgeting.
He must have not gotten enough sleep, he usually last longer than this before he starts squirming. Oh well.
“Your shenanigans during this last mission have-“
“Wait a minute,” Fullmetal interrupted, looking up. “Did you just say, ‘shenanigans’?” he asked in disbelief, making quotation movements with his fingers.
“Yes Fullmetal you-“
“That’s what I thought.” The blond interrupted again. “Who the hell says shenanigans? That’s almost as bad as someone saying something is a doodad!”
God Damn it!
“Fullmetal, would you please-“
“Using the word ‘shenanigans’,” he paused slightly to make quotation movements with his fingers around the word again before continuing, “makes it sound like I TRY and cause trouble.”
What the Hell?
He started again, “Yes well, that is my general-“
“Because that’s just not the case!” Fullmetal proclaimed, frowning at him.
Oh for FUCK SAKE!
He started once again, “Really, I have a hard-“
“I’m under the belief that fate hates me and therefore doodads get in my way and said doodads get broken.” Fullmetal continued apparently not paying any attention to the fact that HE had just used the word ‘doodads’.
“Doodads, Fullmetal?” Roy asked with a grin.
The blond plunged on, “Yeah! Fate sees I’m in a bind and says to itself, ‘Hey self, Ed looks like he’s about to get maimed by some psycho killer or a chimera or something to that effect, how about I throw a doodad in his path so he almost gets killed because he has to stop and get the doodad out of the way hopefully breaking it in the process. That way when he goes in to make his report to the Colonel, the Colonel can claim that Ed is responsible for some more ‘SHENANIGANS,’ that were really not his fault in the first place because I have it out for Edward Elric, the boy who decided to defy the laws of nature by trying to bring his mother back to life!” he finished slightly out of breath.
“My god Fullmetal, did you just say all that in one breath?” He asked incredulously.
Fullmetal ignored him.
“So don’t say I cause ‘shenanigans’” he said, “because the doodads just get in the way that fate decided would be funny if I DESTROYED!” his voice rising as he finished. The blond looked up and crossed his arms defiantly over his chest.
He felt his face had turned red from the strain of holding his tongue until Fullmetal had completed his insane rant. However, now he had no idea what to say.
That last bit didn’t make sense at all!
“Well!?!” Fullmetal asked angrily, his golden eyes blazing, daring Roy to deny that what he had just said was anything but the truth.
Damn!
“BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!” Tears sprang into his eyes as he clutched his sides gasping for breath.
Fullmetal stared at him horrified.
He managed to choke out a response between hysterical laughter. “Do you realize… you just equated destroying half a town… to an ethereal being… that has such an extreme grudge against you… that it throws a full circus at you… to slow you down… and then… this ethereal being… calls them… doodads!?!” He finished making his own quotation fingers around the word ‘doodads’.
Damn! I haven’t laughed this hard in YEARS!
Fullmetal’s eyes bugged at him for the second time in twenty-four hours.
This is priceless!
He laughed even harder.
-E-
What the Hell!?!
He snickered.
What AM I TALKING about!?!
“HAHAHAHAHA!!!”
“God, that WAS ridiculous wasn’t it?” he managed to say, snorting laughter as he covered his face with his hands and letting his head drop down onto the armrest.
“Probably more than you even realize” chortled the Colonel.
He continued to snort helplessly at himself.
I’ve finally gone insane.
-R-
Taking a moment to sober himself, he cleared his throat and wiped the tears from the corners of his eyes.
Well enough of that. It’s time to let the ax fall.
Smirking to himself and calmly placing his elbows on the edge of his desk he laced his fingers, waiting patiently for Fullmetal to realize the game had changed.
Wait for it.
It didn’t take long for Fullmetal to register that he was no longer laughing. The blond alchemist raised his head abruptly and gave him a satisfying look of mild shock. This expression, followed by his face visibly paling as a well placed curse word to escaped his lips, made Roy's smirk broaden.
“As entertaining as that was Fullmetal let’s get back to reality, shall we? Because of your ‘chaotic’ actions you have cost the military not only money but also made us look bad…mainly ME.” He frowned. Sitting back in his chair he continued on in the same matter-of-fact manner. “Because your rank as a Major allows you to have access to field reports you also have the rank to sign off on them as well.”
Fullmetal gasped open-mouthed.
Roy continued smoothly, “From the look on your face I can safely assume you already know where I am going with this.”
The blond shot up off the couch and marched over to his desk shaking with rage.
“YOU’RE SHOVING YOUR WORK OFF ON ME!?!” Ed bellowed, clenching his fists. He then whipped his arm up and jabbed a white gloved finger at Roy’s face, “YOU MANIPULATIVE LAZY BASTARD!!!”
Yes I am …and I’m GOOD at it too.
“Very good,” he leaned forward again giving Fullmetal a dark scowl. “Now, as you are READING and signing these reports,” he let his hand fall on top of one of the large piles to his right, “think about how you can refrain from acting rashly in the future. Is that understood, Fullmetal?”
“Yes Sir” Fullmetal spat as he swatted Roy’s hand off and grabbed the pile.
Smirking again he said serenely, “Watch it Fullmetal, you don’t want me to assign all of them to you.”
The blond bristled. “Yes, Sir” and sharply turned away from him to stomp his way over to the small desk in the corner of the room.
God that was satisfying!
-E-
MANIPULATIVE …LAZY …ASSHOLE!
He slammed himself violently into the chair and then slammed the stack of files down as well.
FUCKING BASTARD!
Instead of thinking about how he could restrain himself on his next mission, he thought once again of the many ways to kill the Colonel.
I personally like ‘BEATING THE FUCKING SMIRK RIGHT OFF HIS FACE’ option.
Making short work of the ridiculously large pile of papers thanks to his uncanny ability to read and absorb information like a starving man in an eating contest, he picked up one of the last file as he visualized the Colonel getting maimed by a walrus, when his brain screeched at him.
“OH MY GOD!!!” he yelped and shot up from his chair.
He saw the Colonel jump but thankfully he didn’t have any major spaz attacks.
“Damn it, Fullmetal, if-“ the Colonel started irritably.
“Private Richards reported a laboratory in Triston where they were researching the effects of a red liquid.” he read excitedly. “He reports that while he doesn’t have much understanding of alchemy he was certain that they were attempting to extend human lifespan.” he practically jumped for joy.
“Do you REALIZE!?! OH MY GOD!!!” he repeated shaking with excitement.
I’ve GOT to talk to Al!
He paced back and forth across the office muttering to himself as he glanced down at the report every now and then to confirm his musings.
From across the room the Colonel sighed loudly, “I can see I will not be getting you back to work until you have looked into this new lead.”
Stilling his pacing, he ripped his eyes off the report and looked at the Colonel with shock.
“You’re letting me go!?!”
I take back the Walrus attack!
The Colonel shook his head as if he couldn’t believe what he was about to say.
“Yes, go. And Fullmetal,” he looked at him pointedly, “try not to cause trouble!”
Thank God he said ‘try’.
He grinned madly as his mind began to race, already thinking about how fast he could get packed and on the first train out.
“Yes Sir!”
With a flurry of red fabric he raced out the door and off to the dorms.